So you may have noticed a little gap between the previous post and this one. Sometimes life takes you to some wacky places, wackier even than the Alaskan hangar in Stealth. In the case of TNFLMN, we simply realized one day that we might have endangered our brains for the long term by exposing them to such copious levels of lousy. Some of us still wake from our sleep in a cold sweat, seized by awful memories of James Earl Jones dressed as an Egyptian pharaoh with perfectly trimmed bangs.
Thus we took a break—a very, very long break. Sure, there were a handful of crummy films sprinkled throughout the Era of Recovery. But overall we felt we had suffered enough for the greater good. However, time heals most wounds, and a vague sense of nostalgia has now replaced the angst of old. Thanks to the efforts of one Mark J, we were able to dig up the remains of the old LMN site, and I set about piecing its old body parts together and reviving it once more. Consider this website the Frankenfish of lousy movie websites.
Will we put ourselves in harm’s way once more and post fresh reviews of rotten films? That remains a mystery, dear reader, but with a little bit of hope, anything is possible. That’s a lesson I learned from Barry Pepper in Battlefield Earth, and I believe it with all my heart.
One of LMN’s greatest heroes, Patrick Swayze, has gone Bodie on cancer and left it in his wake. A bemused Johnny Utah once said, “He’s not coming back.” How wrong you were, Utah. How wrong you were…
Every season or so a “movie” comes along that is so bad that it will literally burn a whole on your retina and leave you scared for life. These more-awefull-than-normal “movies” are lumped under one mega lousy “movie’s” shadow. That “movie” is Hard Cash.
Now, pretty much everyone here at L”M”N have heard me udder the words “this is the worst “movie” I have EVER seen.” This usually happens on a weekly basis. But, when I do, I am instantly reminded (with a stinging sensation in my eyes and in my heart) of that first “worst “movie” i’ve ever seen.” I am reminded of the multiple death by dialogue scenes, how we lost doug (one of our very own L”M”N audience members) to sheer boredom coupled with the shock of scuba diving midgets in toilet bowels, and the complete fear I felt when I heard and saw two main characters being welded together. I can’t help but think of the pure disappointment cast upon us all when the main character “Jose” goes walking lonely and broke in the streets while somewhat minor characters whiz by in their green-screened cars and pickle more minor characters hands in jars instead of buying one rotten orange from a poor immigrant. I think, what could be worse than watching this entire movie and the writers spit on you by encouraging the audience to through all of your earnings (except for the weight of a wet perverse dwarf in cash) into the river just so you can spend the rest of your life with some skanky teenage girlfriend with two cigarettes in her mouth and some little girl who thinks your her father; then, i just look up and see Dane Cook humping a couch only to be stopped by two monks swimming in pudding.
Hard Cash is one the best “worst-“movies”” we’ve watched to date. That is officially why we hand out a “Hard Cash” every season to that one “movie” that says “it’s ok be lousy.”
Go ahead and scoff. But how else is a giant teddy bear supposed to make a living after starring in The Avengers?
It was held January 18 between films and hosted by the tag team of Brade and Danny. Ties were broken via a show of hands. The results were somewhat of a surprise but oh so well deserved. Look for commemorative banners to show up on the site soon enough…
The nominations for Season 2’s Crummy Awards are in, and you have only a few days to vote. Voting ends Friday at 9pm to be specific. All you need to do is login and go to the Crummies page and place your vote for the different categories one at a time. It’s simple. And since I’m writing this post I will also take this opportunity to remind you to support Simon Sez for Lousiest Picture. Remember, Simon Sez vote for me.
I’ll be announcing the winners betwixt Hackers and the Octagon (Chuck Norris) this Friday as well. Don’t want to miss.
The site is mostly sorta maybe up. Style tweaks as necessary. Reviews to come soon. You to convulse in terror.