Point Break

It’s easy to beat up on a film like Point Break–it’s not really convincingly made, it’s cheesy in a lot of places and outright stupid in all the others. All that, and it stars Keanu Reeves–a man whose name is Hawaiian for “cool mountain breeze,” which sometimes seems to be precisely what blows between his ears. The film also features Patrick Swayze, Lori Petty, that guy who can’t cover his teeth with his lips, and a butt with entirely too much screen time.

Reeves & Swayze In 'Point Break'

Point Break has something to do with an FBI agent going undercover in a gang of surfers who have been implicated in a string of bank robberies. The robberies are perpetrated by “the Ex-Presidents,” men in rubber masks resembling Reagan, Nixon, LBJ, and Billy Carter’s brother. The FBI agent in question is rookie (or just naive) agent Keanu “do you want to hang off my rock” Reeves, ably assisted by Gary Busey in the Obligatory Crass Grizzled Cop role. As if the obvious cliche is not enough, Busey constantly froths bad similes like, “[then] disappear like a virgin at prom night.” Just so you remember that he’s crass and grizzled.

At some point the surfing gang evolves into a skydiving gang, apparently pointing the way toward the next step of human evolution. The surfers apparently make their jump from a high enough altitude to freefall uninterrupted for some five to ten minutes, placing them somewhere in the neighborhood of the moon upon their initial jump. Of course, these sequences open the way for the climactic struggle, which was, shall we say, “inspired” by a similar sequence in Moonraker.

There is also a freakish naked meth-head knifefighting sequence, an androgynous love interest–androgynously named Tyler, no less–and very bad day-for-night photography. And Australia, it turns out, bears a striking resemblance to coastal Washington.

I’ll stop there. Like I said, it’s easy to beat up on a movie like this.

So, in order to end this on a positive note, I want to point out the one decent thing you can take away from Point Break–it offers an infinitely better version of Jimmy Carter than real life. The real Jimmy Carter is now a wrinkly peacenik, like Gandhi crossed with a sharpei. Point Break offers us a Jimmy with just as rubbery a face, but now in full shotgun-wielding, bank-jacking mode. And, after recovering from the initial experience of watching the movie, I also realized that this film works pretty well as a fantasy of what the Cold War might have been like had it not been, well, cold. And guess what–just like we always knew, Ronald Reagan kicks butt.


EragonIt’s a well known law of the universe that a movie will be at least three degrees of awesomeness below its book origins. Few movies escape this law.

A slightly less well known rule mandates that two awesome source materials when mated in the mind of the less than adept will give birth to an inbred retard. So, with these two rules firmly in our minds we can understand why Eragon is a Now Famous Lousy Movie Night gem. I won’t list why Eragon works so well as a NFLMN movie. That would take far too long and, like most genius flicks, it’s better experienced than explained. Suffice it to say about the only thing Eragon gets right is teen angst. But this isn’t a compliment nor very amazing since the author was, in fact, a 15 year old.

One would hope that a book of questionable worth would be redeemed in the hands of a competent, insightful director and that hope wouldn’t seem misplaced. But it appears no expense was spared to find a director as ‘qualified’ as the author. His skill can be summed up in this quote from the movie’s director commentary: “The sequence was very, um….sequential.” A critic, after watching Eragon observed, “The book was written by a 15 year old and the movie directed by a 12 year old.” If only the director had been 12 he might be viewed more kindly.

But not all was lost in the making of Eragon. No, in fact the movie is so perfectly bad that it stands atop the putrid heights of NFLMN season 1 cinema rottenness, having claimed the ‘lousiest picture award’, and has become a beacon of hope to all who would entertain the critics of NFLMN. On its blistered brow reek the pustules of ‘rapid-growth flight sequence’, ‘giant blue pill’, ‘misguided teen angst’, and ‘Jeremy Irons, why are you doing this to your career’. NFLMN exists for movies such as this and Eragon’s sequel cannot be made too quickly.

Oh, and in case you were wondering, ‘Eragon’ is ‘Dragon’ just frakked up.

Season 2 Crummy Ceremony

It was held January 18 between films and hosted by the tag team of Brade and Danny. Ties were broken via a show of hands. The results were somewhat of a surprise but oh so well deserved. Look for commemorative banners to show up on the site soon enough…

Vote Crummy Awards

The nominations for Season 2’s Crummy Awards are in, and you have only a few days to vote. Voting ends Friday at 9pm to be specific. All you need to do is login and go to the Crummies page and place your vote for the different categories one at a time. It’s simple. And since I’m writing this post I will also take this opportunity to remind you to support Simon Sez for Lousiest Picture. Remember, Simon Sez vote for me.

I’ll be announcing the winners betwixt Hackers and the Octagon (Chuck Norris) this Friday as well. Don’t want to miss.

Battlefield Earth: A Saga of the Year 3000

I can only begin to express my feelings for this movie so well in words. You really would need to see me in person and see my face turning red with blood vessels popping out, me throwing stuff in a fit of rage, and having sick uncontrollable desires fleshed out by destroying furry little wood lawn creatures with only my hands to see how much I really do detest this film. I will not a apologize at all for this. This film deserves every shot at it that man can take.

You can only ever ask yourself “Why?” in this film. Don’t expect answers. EVAH. For instance: Why did the aliens take over? Why do the aliens wear dreads? Why do they walk so slow and have terrible aim and still be able take over planets? WHY IS EVERY FREAKING SHOT IN THE MOVIE AT AN ANGLE!!! Why Barry Pepper for crying-out-loud? Why is the Declaration of Independence in Denver AND in perfect condition after 1000 years of decay? Why does the power still work in remote locations? Where is it coming from? Come on!!

The “Big Question” that this refuse of a film chooses to ignore is this: WHY DID THEY TEACH MAN-ANIMALS TO FLY? This is the legendary question that BF poses to us all. Let me set up the scene for the year 3000. Man is completely and utterly beaten. They live only in the hills and have the intelligence of… well, the creators of Battlefield Earth. Fitting huh? Man is captured and forced to work long hours moving rocks or something. Their captors have superior intelligence, far greater technology and weaponry (think of the US Military vs. the Midianites), and greater numbers. There is no hope for man. But they didn’t count on one thing: John Travolta. Why, why, why, did John Travolta give Barry Pepper an education? What was his freaking motivation? He gave him the ability to problem solve, use advanced logic, and gain “leverage” by having a big enough IQ to blackmail, …read…, and “Destruction of the Alien Race” Event Plan. Another retarded thing is that Pepper taught his friends the Pythagorean Theorem after a freaking week of receiving any sort of an education for the first time!!!! And after that Travolta took them on a weekend getaway and taught man animals to fly planes and gave them motivation for destroying the aliens by telling them the sad story of humanity’s history. Why did you do that, John Travolta? Why? Give them intelligence, motivation, and means to kick your butt. GRRR. Gosh, I’m clinching my teeth right now. Needless to say that the humans do prevail in the most retarded fight scene of all-time that included the dismantling of Glass Denver and the death of all the aliens everywhere for all time. And all in about five minutes.

There’s much more steam that I can let out, like “50 reasons not to use the word leverage,” John Travolta himself, the nose pins, the fact that you want to beat Forrest Whitaker’s character with a large rock, and the exploding necklaces, but I’m about to throw up as it is.

I think we are reaping the many sins this nation has committed whenever some descent human being unknowingly watches this movie for the first time. I feel like I need to sit outside in sackcloth in a pile of ash and beg for mercy for days on end. Battlefield Earth is like sackcloth in a way: it chafes your soul.

Battlefield Earth: 5/5