So you may have noticed a little gap between the previous post and this one. Sometimes life takes you to some wacky places, wackier even than the Alaskan hangar in Stealth. In the case of TNFLMN, we simply realized one day that we might have endangered our brains for the long term by exposing them to such copious levels of lousy. Some of us still wake from our sleep in a cold sweat, seized by awful memories of James Earl Jones dressed as an Egyptian pharaoh with perfectly trimmed bangs.
Thus we took a break—a very, very long break. Sure, there were a handful of crummy films sprinkled throughout the Era of Recovery. But overall we felt we had suffered enough for the greater good. However, time heals most wounds, and a vague sense of nostalgia has now replaced the angst of old. Thanks to the efforts of one Mark J, we were able to dig up the remains of the old LMN site, and I set about piecing its old body parts together and reviving it once more. Consider this website the Frankenfish of lousy movie websites.
Will we put ourselves in harm’s way once more and post fresh reviews of rotten films? That remains a mystery, dear reader, but with a little bit of hope, anything is possible. That’s a lesson I learned from Barry Pepper in Battlefield Earth, and I believe it with all my heart.
One of LMN’s greatest heroes, Patrick Swayze, has gone Bodie on cancer and left it in his wake. A bemused Johnny Utah once said, “He’s not coming back.” How wrong you were, Utah. How wrong you were…
Go ahead and scoff. But how else is a giant teddy bear supposed to make a living after starring in The Avengers?
It was held January 18 between films and hosted by the tag team of Brade and Danny. Ties were broken via a show of hands. The results were somewhat of a surprise but oh so well deserved. Look for commemorative banners to show up on the site soon enough…
Let’s say you’re a video game fan, specifically a fan of fighting games. Well, if you want to loathe the entire genre and perhaps video games as a whole, have I got the movie for you.
Street Fighter features Jean-Claude Van Damme as Guile. Guile is American—even has a tattoo of the American flag on his arm. Van Damme has a thick French accent. And this is only the beginning of our problems. Raul Julia makes his ill-fated final acting appearance as M. Bison, a raging lunatic who bases his world-dominating schemes out of a half-finished movie set and wears a gigantic hat and gigantic pants. Also he can launch himself towards you while suspended from a wire, but he only travels fast enough to bump into those with sloth-like reflexes, such as Guile.
This film probably features the worst ensemble cast in the history of cinema. Well, make that worst-looking. This is not necessarily due to inherent bad looks—I mean, Kylie Minogue is not exactly someone whom I would refuse to go out with to a viewing of Street Fighter followed by a Kylie Minogue concert. It has more to do with costumes that appear to have been made of raw materials from Vinyl Outlet.
Here is some sample dialogue as spoken by Bison: “The temple above us was the wonder of the ancient world. Bisonopolis shall be the wonder of my world. But I think the food court should be larger. All the big franchises will want in.”
Yeah, I’ll go ahead and end this now. Street Fighter gets 2 crumbs out of 5.
The site is mostly sorta maybe up. Style tweaks as necessary. Reviews to come soon. You to convulse in terror.