Battlefield Earth: A Saga of the Year 3000

I can only begin to express my feelings for this movie so well in words. You really would need to see me in person and see my face turning red with blood vessels popping out, me throwing stuff in a fit of rage, and having sick uncontrollable desires fleshed out by destroying furry little wood lawn creatures with only my hands to see how much I really do detest this film. I will not a apologize at all for this. This film deserves every shot at it that man can take.

You can only ever ask yourself “Why?” in this film. Don’t expect answers. EVAH. For instance: Why did the aliens take over? Why do the aliens wear dreads? Why do they walk so slow and have terrible aim and still be able take over planets? WHY IS EVERY FREAKING SHOT IN THE MOVIE AT AN ANGLE!!! Why Barry Pepper for crying-out-loud? Why is the Declaration of Independence in Denver AND in perfect condition after 1000 years of decay? Why does the power still work in remote locations? Where is it coming from? Come on!!

The “Big Question” that this refuse of a film chooses to ignore is this: WHY DID THEY TEACH MAN-ANIMALS TO FLY? This is the legendary question that BF poses to us all. Let me set up the scene for the year 3000. Man is completely and utterly beaten. They live only in the hills and have the intelligence of… well, the creators of Battlefield Earth. Fitting huh? Man is captured and forced to work long hours moving rocks or something. Their captors have superior intelligence, far greater technology and weaponry (think of the US Military vs. the Midianites), and greater numbers. There is no hope for man. But they didn’t count on one thing: John Travolta. Why, why, why, did John Travolta give Barry Pepper an education? What was his freaking motivation? He gave him the ability to problem solve, use advanced logic, and gain “leverage” by having a big enough IQ to blackmail, …read…, and “Destruction of the Alien Race” Event Plan. Another retarded thing is that Pepper taught his friends the Pythagorean Theorem after a freaking week of receiving any sort of an education for the first time!!!! And after that Travolta took them on a weekend getaway and taught man animals to fly planes and gave them motivation for destroying the aliens by telling them the sad story of humanity’s history. Why did you do that, John Travolta? Why? Give them intelligence, motivation, and means to kick your butt. GRRR. Gosh, I’m clinching my teeth right now. Needless to say that the humans do prevail in the most retarded fight scene of all-time that included the dismantling of Glass Denver and the death of all the aliens everywhere for all time. And all in about five minutes.

There’s much more steam that I can let out, like “50 reasons not to use the word leverage,” John Travolta himself, the nose pins, the fact that you want to beat Forrest Whitaker’s character with a large rock, and the exploding necklaces, but I’m about to throw up as it is.

I think we are reaping the many sins this nation has committed whenever some descent human being unknowingly watches this movie for the first time. I feel like I need to sit outside in sackcloth in a pile of ash and beg for mercy for days on end. Battlefield Earth is like sackcloth in a way: it chafes your soul.

Battlefield Earth: 5/5